Miserable.

I am miserable and tired of merely existing to continue in the ED behaviours. How does one go from existing to living? How does one recover? I hate purging, I despise it yet I am addicted to purging. I lie to myself, I tell myself if no one knows I am purging then no one gets hurt (besides myself but the eating disorder says I do not count.) I know that I am lying to myself, it is amazing the lies I tell myself to get me through the day. I knew I had to be honest with Robert about everything, I sent him this.

I am sorry for the hell I have put you through the past two years. The lies I have told and deception to protect something that was only hurting me. I want to be more honest and open with you, but fear you hating me. It’s a risk I need to take. I am stuck in a purging cycle and it needs to stop. Honestly I do not have the willpower to stop it and need your help, please. I want to recover, but recovery scare me thus I keep sabotaging my recovery. I know I need to take more responsibility and try harder. I know I can not undo the damage from the past I have caused but I hope I try to fix things now and for the future.

“Forgiveness is to accept the fact that the past can’t change.”