The purge, during and after.

I place tissues in my underwear because I know my bladder is weak and when I purge I've always wet myself the water is running to drown out the noise from the purging because I am ashamed of what I am doing. I stare at the hospital band on my right arm I listen to …

Things I need to and want to change.

What do I need to change to achieve full recovery?1. I need to stop weighing myself and being depended on the number on the scales.2. I need to commit to three meals and snacks a day.3. Purging is not an auction. 4. Restriction and fasting is not an option.5. I need to change my internal …

Day #4.

Have you emotionally harmed someone besides yourself if so how? That is a loaded question I have not actually thought about consciously. Subconsciously I have been putting off answering this question because I know the answer. Yes I have my husband my daughter's and my 3 closest friends. How can it not hurt the people …

Puppet, I am not.

I went to bed in a bad mood and I woke up feeling defeated this morning the eating disorder is the only thing I can hear. I walk myself for the scale like a puppet knowing I have gained weight but not sure how much I step on the scale and see the number all …

Burden.

I feel like a burden tonight to my family and my friends. My head keeps telling me repeatedly that everyone is better off without me. I feel like I am failing recovery like I failed at the eating disorder. I am in a really negative state of mind tonight. I hate when I enter these …

Goodbye letter, to the eating disorder.

Dear eating disorder,This is an overdue letter it is time for us to part. I no longer need or want you in my life it is time for you to pack your bags and leave. Your values and my values no longer matchup. We both want and need different things in my life. Once  you …

Hospital randomness.

I want the nightmares to end. I have the same 2 or 3 nightmares nearly every single night. Last night's nightmare was about a family member raping me I felt trapped I couldn't run I couldn't stop him I have no power. Yet everyone could see what was happening and no one said a thing …

And here comes the anger.

Sometimes I wonder why do I hurt myself like this? What do I expect from this each time when the outcome is always the same. Sometimes I get so tired of my own bullshit, how can you love something and hate it equally at the same time? How many times do I need to hit …

Dietician

Last Thursday I feel a little bit defeated to the point where I wanted to give up I had my appointment with the dietitian and I honestly thought I was doing quite well. I'm going to start with the positives the past week I have not skipped any meals I have had three meals and …