Falling.

I wish this was a positive update today was supposed to be my three months all in update. The last week has been quite difficult the doctor with happy because I hit my goal weight I wish I could say I was. When I saw the numbers on the scale my heart dropped into my stomach and all I could feel was failure. I wanted to scream yell and throw things but I had to hold myself together and pretend that I was ok. Even though the doctor knew I was not ok I told him I can no longer do this and I need to lose weight as soon as possible.

A few days ago I dropped all my snacks just because it is an easy way to drop my calories and then I dropped dessert. I have convinced myself that I am not restricting because I am still eating 3 meals a day I know that I am lying to myself I also know the eating disorder is taking control and I honestly have no idea what to do about it. I just know that I am struggling and I feel hopeless. I have my weigh in on Tuesday long as I have lost some weight everything will be ok.