EDU Day 17:Yesterday I woke up in a positive mood I felt a strong in my recovery and even stronger in my choices of why I wanted and need to recover. I went to bed last night thinking about the positives and consequences of seeing my weight or not seeing my weight when I was … Continue reading Weigh in.
Month: April 2021
Struggling.
EDU Day 15:I have this overwhelming urge to go home because today is too hard and I cannot do it anymore. I simply I want to run away and hide. How am I meant to manage at home with minimal support when I am in hospital with a lot of support and I am slowly … Continue reading Struggling.
Two weeks.
EDU Day 14:I have been in here two weeks now, time has flown yet feels like it has stood still. I think I have about two weeks left give or take, the real question is will I make it that long? I wonder if there is anything for me to gain by remaining at the … Continue reading Two weeks.
Eating disorder Vs healthy self.
I am supposed to write down several of my most recent eating the sort of thoughts then I need to write back to each eating disorder thought from my healthy self. If you keep gaining weight you will never stop gaining weight. You cannot trust your body or your appetite.How do I know? I have … Continue reading Eating disorder Vs healthy self.
No longer welcomed here.
EDU Day 13:I did something quite difficult well at least for me I rang Robert asking him to dispose of my eating disorder foods. It took me about a week and multiple failed phone calls to ask him. I shall focus on the positives that I asked him even though I was really scared. It … Continue reading No longer welcomed here.
The scales.
EDU Day 9:I went to bed last night trying to be positive telling myself no matter what my weight is in the morning that I would keep fighting for recovery. I felt defeated this morning when I saw my way increase on the scales. It may have only been a small gain yet the eating … Continue reading The scales.
Eight days down.
EDU Day 8:Firstly I survived my first week! The eating disorder was harder on me yesterday, I wanted to binge and purge. I found myself pacing looking for foo, I felt desperate and hopeless, the urge was so strong. I had voiced my concerns about this on Friday, thus they are not keeping any food … Continue reading Eight days down.
Weigh in.
EDU Day 6:I survived the second weigh in, I felt anxious and scared being weighed. I knew no matter my weight I would be triggered. To my surprise I lost weight, I have lost quite a lot since being admitted on Wednesday. Which is not my fault as I am following the meal plan and … Continue reading Weigh in.
Dear eating disorder.
Dear eating disorder,I am supposed to write a letter thanking you for everything you have done for me. Yet I sit here I can think of very little that you have done for me a lot of it seems superficial. You help numb me when situations were overwhelming you helped numb me from the pain … Continue reading Dear eating disorder.
Cycles.
EDU Day 5:I want to dive into why I binge and purge what purpose does it serve me. It must be doing something for me otherwise why would I continue to do it. I'm trying to tell myself that this disease is not stronger than me it only resides in my mind and soon it … Continue reading Cycles.
Fear of relapse.
EDU Day 4:I have made it to day 4 how many days are do not know for now I am taking day-by-day. What am I hoping to get out of this admission? There are so many things I would like to achieve so to make it less overwhelming I need to break it down and … Continue reading Fear of relapse.
Thinking about life after an eating disorder.
EDU Day 3:The eating disorder wants me to discharge myself from eating disorder unit. The same thoughts are rushing through my head that once I leave I need to restrict again, I need to lose weight. I expressed how I felt to the nurses who have been amazing. They ask the same question "what will … Continue reading Thinking about life after an eating disorder.
Food exposure therapy and sugar.
EDU Day 2:I started food exposure therapy today. I know that it is a positive thing for my recovery it is scary. I know true change does not happen without fear and stepping out of your comfort zone. Yesterday I said goodbye to artificial sugar because they are not allowed here which means I need … Continue reading Food exposure therapy and sugar.
I can not do this.
EDU Day 1:I want to cry I am the fattest and the oldest one at the eating disorder unit. I feel like a fraud being here. I have cried so much tonight because I feel like I have no control and I miss my family and friends. My eating disorder behaviours and self harm are … Continue reading I can not do this.
One step after the other.
Days like this all you can do is put one foot after the other. I keep repeating to myself why I want and need to recover. I keep picturing where I want to be in a years time hoping that will help me to remain focused and inspired. My biggest nightmare is to be in … Continue reading One step after the other.
A larger body.
Today has been a difficult day when I was getting dressed I noticed my jeans we're tighter around my thighs. I could physically feel the difference how is extremely aware of how my jeans fit. I knew eventually these jeans may stop fitting I tried to tell myself that I would be able to accept … Continue reading A larger body.
Dearest Father.
I never thought that not having my biological father in my life affected me. I had an interesting dream last night regarding him and I'm not sure how I feel about it so I thought I would write about it full stop remember that we were both sitting other table he was staring at me … Continue reading Dearest Father.
A week of freedom.
So I am out of hospital for a week and then being admitted to the eating disorder unit. So I have complete freedom with my food which scares me, beyond words. The unlimited choices is actually quite overwhelming I find that there's actually a lot of pressure and I always find that I resort to … Continue reading A week of freedom.
8 keys to recovery: Preparation.
I am currently reading 8 keys to recovery from an eating disorder. Here are the current questions that I need to answer in this section. Stage 3 preparation if you no want to change but can't get yourself started or you don't know what to do. What are the obstacles you can see that keep … Continue reading 8 keys to recovery: Preparation.
I hit the scary weight.
Monday:Day 34 in hospital: I have been watching how eating disorders are use to numb events and emotions. I think for me it is to numb the anxiety, emotions and it is my addiction. Once past events fuelled the eating disorder but doubt it does anymore. On Tuesday I get to leave hospital for a … Continue reading I hit the scary weight.
Divorce.
Sunday:Day 33 in hospital: Let me start of with, it isn't me but it is you. You are the problem not me. You came into my life when I was very vulnerable, impressionable, full of self doubts. You helped fill the missing holes in my life. You were a "friend" when I felt I had … Continue reading Divorce.
My recovery from a life time of eating disorders. 