Tuesday:Day 28 in hospital:I have great news, I have a bed at the eating disorder unit on the 14th. I am excited to go but yet so scared, I have been waiting since December to go. I do not know what scares me more. Being successful in recovery or failing at recovery. I saw the … Continue reading Exciting news.
Month: March 2021
Binge purge cycle.
Friday:Day 24 in hospital:Negative body image. I am having a negative image moment. I feel bigger, softer and more squishy. So I know I am not seeing myself correctly or thinking rationally. The same thoughts are rushing through my head "you ate too much food today, how can you still be hungry? You are going … Continue reading Binge purge cycle.
Fear foods.
Thursday:Day 23 in hospital:Fear foods. Today I faced many fear foods with a friend at lunch. We shared an entree, arancini balls, a surpreme pizza, a strawberry milkshake and dessert. I did not binge, I ate slowly and tried to enjoy the food. My friend made it a lot easier and I felt quite comfortable … Continue reading Fear foods.
Guilt.
Wednesday:Day 22 in hospital: I have extreme mother guilt today, yesterday I saw how much me being away is negatively impacting Jasmine. I hate how this is hurting her so badly, I only ever wanted to hurt myself not her, nor Scarlett and Robert. It makes me realise the eating disorder is not only hurting … Continue reading Guilt.
Talking back.
Friday:Day 16 in hospital:Talking back: This is what my nurse said to me today. I was ordering my menu my nurse said to me "Ohhh those are the most fattening. If you want to lose weight i wouldn't order those. Order a salad and you will get thin." I am already struggling why would you … Continue reading Talking back.
Empty threats.
Thursday:Day 15 in hospital:Rebelling, taking back control:I give up. I want my nurse to leave me alone. I am sure she is lovely but leave me alone and stop asking me stupid questions. I have no control over anything so I am doing the only thing I know, taking control back, the only way I … Continue reading Empty threats.
No more NG tube.
Saturday:Day 11 in hospital:Fuck them all.I have no rights, I can not shower or toilet with the door shut. I am watched constantly, I am left in a room by myself with no one to talk to. I am forced to take medication I do not want. Sunday:Day 12 in hospital:I weighed myself today, I … Continue reading No more NG tube.
Vulnerable.
Thursday:Day 9 in hospital:Feeling vulnerable. I laid in bed last night with my thoughts flipping between two thoughts. I was calculating the calories per a feed. I knew it was X calories per X mls (approximately) which lead to how many calories that was a day. Cue freak out and soon they shall be increasing … Continue reading Vulnerable.
Exhausted.
Monday:Day 6 in hospital:I hope no one minds my honesty here, I need somewhere I can be honest, a place I can look back and know what happened, when and how I felt. I was blind weighed today and I hated it. Too many what if's floating in my head. Last night I had the … Continue reading Exhausted.
NG tube
Friday:Day 3 in hospital:I really pushed my Dr too far today. I told him I was leaving (detention time had expired) even though he said I was being flown out later today. I told him I was leaving no matter what he said, that I refused medical care. We really clashed (do not get me … Continue reading NG tube
Detained.
Wednesday:Day #1 in hospital:I am back in hospital again, medical not stable. My veins have collapsed, all the veins on my left arm have clotted. I have a drip, which took ten attempts. My heart rate is too low, my electrolytes are low, my blood sugar is way too low. I am not allowed to … Continue reading Detained.
My recovery from a life time of eating disorders. 