Each day I can feel the eating disorder rake a little more of me. I am eating three to four meals a day yet I feel worse then when I was eating close to nothing. My head taunts me about how when I return home I need to stop eating three to four meals a … Continue reading I want recovery.
Month: December 2020
Christmas Day.
I did not eat breakfast, I lied and said I was still full from last night. I had a sarcastic comment of "that's what happens when eat too much." It just reinforced that I eat too much and need to eat less. It is amazing how people love to comment on my eating. I know … Continue reading Christmas Day.
Just pretend to be normal.
I am not doing so well, I am trying my best, this battle I can not fight on my own. Yesterday I dropped the snacks and dessert to save on calories. Today I did not eat breakfast because I didn't feel worthy. I left my dirty dishes out so no one would ask questions To. … Continue reading Just pretend to be normal.
On the edge of a cliff.
I am trying to talk myself of a cliff right now. I am struggling on day three. I have been up since 0330, it 0451 and I am the treadmill arguing with my thoughts. I rescued the scales from the bin, surprisingly they still worked. (I did end up putting them back in the bin.) … Continue reading On the edge of a cliff.
Selfless and not selfish.
I rang the EDU today because I am struggling and needed to hear positive words and advice from someone who would understand how I feel. I need to eventually be on three meals and three snacks a day. I can barely cope with the amount I am eating. Eating bores me because I eat the … Continue reading Selfless and not selfish.
No longer powerless.
I thought I was powerless after all of these years. Yet at four am I realise it is not me powerless it is you. I thought I did not have the key, but I hold the key. You are a disease, which I need a cure for. I always believed I could not do it, … Continue reading No longer powerless.
Brutal honesty.
Finally in a number I feel a little bit safe in 59.9 kilos. I am hoping to be in the 58’s by the end of 2020. At 0700 I took four laxatives today; the laxatives kicked in at 1230 and it felt brutal, I felt as if my insides were being to apart. I thought … Continue reading Brutal honesty.
Jealous and competitive.
I am still angry about the weight I gained while in hospital. I still need to 2 kilos to reach my prehospital weight. I honestly feel like a fat failure. That weight feels like a dream that will never come true. I try so hard every day to please the eating disorder but whatever I … Continue reading Jealous and competitive.
Bitter taste.
Last night left a bitter taste in my mouth, another family even I did not attend because of the eating disorder. Last night made me realise how much I miss out on because of this, it breaks my heart. I wish I truly knew why I was starving myself; I have all these reasons, but … Continue reading Bitter taste.
Why fifty five kilos?
Why do I want to get my weight to 55 kilos before going to hospital. I know the meal plan and I know that I will gain about 5-7 kilos. That is why I want to get as close to 55 kilos as possible, do if I gain 5-7 kilos, I will weigh exactly what … Continue reading Why fifty five kilos?
Exhausted and giving up.
At just before six am, I am full of regret. I regret drowning my bathroom scales. I joke with her about them being murdered. They are truly dead; I do not know if I am relieved, but I do feel panic. All the what ifs go through head, the same every day. Is it better … Continue reading Exhausted and giving up.
Fighting the right war.
I wake up at 6am already fighting a war in my head, but I know deep down I am fighting the wrong war. I hear you ask; how can you fight the wrong war? I am not fighting for recovery therefore I am fighting the wrong war. Why do I feel like I can only … Continue reading Fighting the right war.
Scrambled thoughts.
I am fighting with my head, every morning I face the same battle. By 0930 I am on my second cup of tea, simply because I am that hungry and I am trying to fool my body. I know my body is smarter than that, but today I do not care. Did I eat breakfast?No … Continue reading Scrambled thoughts.
ICU.
I am finally ready write about my A&E and ICU stay. After flying an hour to reach the ICU I became really unstable, it literally happened that quickly. The first problem was trying to get bloods, we some how did. The Drs checked my sugars, they were below 1.9 (34.2) I remember the doctors calling … Continue reading ICU.
Small changes.
I am not ready to make big changes yet. Las time I went all in I gained 15 kilos, and mentally was in a far worse place. My goal is to eat four meals a day, but right now I am in no rush. I believe because I went all in that helped cause this … Continue reading Small changes.
Dear Fiona.
I know people have read this, but I wanted it posted here.Dear Fiona,It is time for you to listen it’s my turn to talk. I know what you are going to say because you say the same things every minute, every hour. It has been the same since I was 15, perhaps even younger. Definitely … Continue reading Dear Fiona.
My recovery from a life time of eating disorders. 